#SAYWHAT

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#SayWhat

I could not decide whether to share a profound #saywhat moment that happened this week or a couple of small ones that happened just this week…

but I knew I just had to share Emilee Grace….

We had a stillbirth baby girl, Mackenzy, who did not even weigh 1lb. I delivered her on Oct 29, 2010. That experience was really hard for me. I went into an instant daze. I felt not of this world, I was shocked, I was confused, I was so mad, and I could not believe it. God, why did you take my baby? What did I do wrong? They said they were going to put me on the 3D machine just to make sure and I kept thinking, God make this a miracle.
Please God, I know nothing is impossible. I refused to believe it. After seeing the FLAT line beep across the screen where my little girl’s heartbeat should of been, I felt my life being pulled right from under me.

Why? How? What?

This exact scene still plays in my head today over and over.

I was given Prostaglandin then Pitocin to start contractions. I had a high fever and a lot of pain. The labor and delivery is all a blur. I only pushed a couple of times and my angel was born. After a few minutes my doctor said that she looked like her cord got tangled and pinched off blood supply. I should be taking my baby home with me and here I was preparing to call a funeral home. It was not fair!

I read a book by John MacArthur that rocked me to my core. He said that scripture weighs heavily toward the fact that innocent children are in heaven, redeemed, and dwelling in the presence of God. Mackenzy will never experience any pain on this earth, she is face to face with our Savior right now I had comfort in knowing the truth that every child conceived is a God-created and God-loved person with a God-given purpose and destiny. BUT this comfort took almost 2 years to come.

Fast forward 3 months…

We started trying right away. I was pregnant again. I can’t do this, Lord. Fear engulfed my soul. I kept hearing, “trust me, Kristy.” #SAY WHAT!!!Well, Lord, I did trust you once and look what happened!!!!!!!!!!!

I turned my head….I bought a doppler and listened to little Emilee’s heartbeat throughout the entire pregnancy. I was not trusting. Every time I did not feel movement I would chug a Dr. Pepper. I was obsessed. I was fighting the flesh, the world, the enemy and trying to do it in my own strength. Satan certainly came and devoured my life and he attacked me in my MOST VULNERABLE AREA. I was overwhelmed with fear. It was the worst 9 months.
Fast Forward to August 12, 2011

Emilee Grace was born at 8:10am and I was taken to recovery and was told she was perfect. Finally, I am back in my room and still Emilee was not in there. I kept bugging the nurses and they assured me they had an emergency and she was fine.

Hours later….

Well, Mrs. Aiken we had to put Emilee on the “sick bed.” Her oxygen is 80 and we are not sure what is going on. #SayWhat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, #SayWhat??????????

Fast Forward 1 month later….

We are on our way to UVA because she has been diagnosed with pulmonary sling and is fatal when airways are obstructed. Not only that but they still can’t even find her left pulmonary artery on an echocardiogram. We were told open heart surgery would correct it. Are you kidding me? Lord, is this some sort of joke. I remember being in the shower and screaming at Him. I remember throwing shampoo bottles and crying out to Him. I remember sitting on the shower floor with the most empty feeling in my soul. A hole. A hole so big that I thought it would never be filled again.

At UVA Children’s Cardiology Hospital….
We are sitting in the echo with the doctor and nurse. They are looking for that artery to determine the best course of action. I am sweating. I am not trusting. I am mad. I am hurt. Why? How? Why did you do this to me, Lord? Why???? Why???

2 hours later….
They still have not found the artery but believe it to be there. Either way it is in the wrong place and will eventually block her airway and she won’t be able to breathe. My heart is in my throat. The anxiety and feelings can’t even be explained. The anger was hot and raw. My husband was squeezing my hand and we hear, “HERE IT IS.”

Hours later…
We hear something like this, “we are not sure exactly how the structures are weaving but they are weaving in a way that IS not obstructing any airways. Although by the location of the left pulmonary artery coming off the right pulmonary artery (which is not where it should be) there seems to be no concern. I think your daughter will be fine with no surgery required. #SayWhat

Why did I not trust God? I know all these #saywhat’s happened to GET where I am right now. I am learning to give God my family, the ones I love SECOND MOST! He is my all in my all. He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He is my Redeemer, Comforter, Creator, Helper, Salvation, Light, and Restorer. He knows what is best. Like Lysa says, God does not want half my heart. He wants it all and He wants to remove the things that stand in the way of that….

 

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48 thoughts on “#SAYWHAT

  1. Oh wow–thank you so much for sharing your story. I can’t begin to tell you how much my heart breaks for you in the loss of Mackenzy, but how incredibly blessed I am to hear of God’s love and faithfulness in the precious life of your Emilee Grace. I recently started a blog after feeling God nudging me over these past five years to use our own story to help other women who are hurting. We went through four miscarriages in less than a year on the journey to starting our family, but by God’s grace the doctors found the problem, fixed it, and we now have two beautiful little girls sleeping in just the next room. I just know that your story shared here this morning will also help SO many women who might be suffering in silence with their own painful journeys. You are so strong and brave! Keep on telling people your beautiful story!

    ~Kim @ Girl Gone God
    http://www.girlgonegod.wordpress.com

  2. Wow you illuminate the fact that sometimes we really don’t trust that The Lord has it all under control! Thanks for sharing your story and the pictures.

  3. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful heart with all of us! It’s so hard to truth God when everything seems to be spiraling out of control….we forget that when the world is out of control, God still is in control. I’m right there with you!

  4. Girl you are a writer and your blog will give hope to women going through this same pain. I loved this and it speaks especially to me this morning. Yours is the first I picked to read because I knew it would be awesome like you. I love you sister, love your precious heart and so glad to serve with you.

  5. Sweet Kara! Beautiful testimony of a beautiful woman…sweet Mackenzy will always live on through your heart! You are touching sooooo many women’s hearts with yours! Luv you sweet friend!

  6. Oh my what an emotional #saywhat testimony! Thank you for sharing that. I believe we are allowed to go thru things so we can better understand and help others who will go thru similar struggles. Your sweet girl is just precious too.

  7. Thank you for sharing that my friend. I agree with other comments this post will bring so much hope to so many. So thankful for God’s blessings in your life. I love how you have said “Yes” to sharing His story by sharing yours! Love ya bunches!

  8. Aw Kristy, this is beautiful. You brought tears to my eyes! Thank you for sharing your story. God has given you such a gift…to reach out to other women who may be going through the same experience. Touching. Love you!

  9. Kristy,
    God is AWESOME. I’m soooo glad Emilee Grace is doing well. God had his hands on her this whole time. God knew how bad you were hurting from before. So, he wanted to show you the he is still God . He will ALWAYS love you. He Will NEVER Forsake you. I loved this Blog. Thank you for sharing. 🙂

  10. Wow Kristy that was so beautiful. I relate to the fact of losing our second son born stillborn some 44 years ago. I never got to see him or hold him or go to his funeral there was always a void there. Now for many years I asked God “Why”. I often wonder what kind of man he would be today. God is truly amazing and how He can use your story to help someone else. Thanks for sharing your heart and blessing me and many others through your testimony. God’s blessing on you and your precious family.
    Marilyn OBS Group Leader.

  11. Even having heard part of your testimony during the last OBS, this still brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for being so transparent and sharing the story of your little girls.

  12. Wow! Thank you for sharing your story. This brought tears to my eyes. My daughter who is four now had to be transported to a Neonatal unit when she was five days old because she had stopped breathing. It is probably still the scariest time of my life. I cannot even imagine the pain you were feeling. God gives us His strength to endure, even when we don’t think we can. God Bless you and your family.

  13. Thank you very much for sharing your heart…yes, God wants all of your heart. And you have the courage to do that. My dear friend just had a baby who has survived 2 major open heart surgeries and is only 13 weeks today. Both you and my friend have had no other choice but to trust God completely….may our Lord continue to speak to you during this study.

  14. Wow Kristy. that was an awesome testimony. Thank you for sharing, It touched my heart. What you and your husband had to endure, and yet you still trust the one who saved us all!

  15. Thank you for sharing this, I have lost 4 babies due to miscarriages, I cannot imagine the pain you went through, and knowing that God blessed you with this lil one who is your miracle now. Love ya!

  16. Omgoodness but wow!! Such a raw, emotionally charged gut wrenching post. Thank you for sharing your story, it truly brought tears to my eyes and I think I even got a little angry with you. May God bless you and your family.

  17. Kristy.

    As your Aunt Robin I want to say how proud I am of you and the calling that GOD has placed on your life. You are awesome and your family the same.. I love you and keep your eyes set on the master and your ministry Is going to flourish. One more reason we have to keep GOD in the center of our lives because of the people who is waiting up there for us. Many for sure.

    I love you,
    Aunt Robin

  18. Thank you for sharing your most intimate feelings about God during this time in your life. Truth is, I think we all experience some kind of “WHY GOD” moments, but the key is to get back up and continue to praise God. What a beautiful example you have set for your precious little girl!

  19. Beautiful little girl! God has given you an amazing blessings. My husband and I are trying to conceive right now and I had hoped it would happen right away. It hasn’t. God keeps telling me that I still need to work on getting healthy. One of my biggest fears is that I won’t be able to conceive but your story reminds me that God is capable of anything and right now He is teaching me to trust in Him in my most insecure areas. Thank you for sharing!

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