My God Love Story started in 1981. I don’t really have a dramatic story where there was ONE specific turning point. It is not overly exciting but it is my story and it is refined every day. I grew up with an amazing family. Christianity was something my parents always taught me. I yo-yoed in my walk from childhood until I was a newlywed. I was a college student at ECU and I had to live up to the name. It was the #1 party school in the nation. Then my senior year, I met Michael Aiken. He was a Godly Christian man who God used to change my life. I fell in love and slowly my life started to change. We were married in 2007 and had our first daughter in 2009. Kalee Brooklyn was such a blessing. Right after her birth is when I finally received the blessed assurance that I was the daughter of the Most High. We were at a revival in June 2009. I cried the whole service and had this fiery feeling inside. I can’t even describe it. Right before this I had been crying out to God like never before. I was confused and I needed something that said I am saved. There is nothing more that I desire than the Lord. I prayed all the time. I read the Bible everyday nonstop. Back to revival, I walked up to the Pastor that the Lord used to transform me. He put his hands on me and began praying and then speaking in tongues. He said more Lord more Lord. He told me to quit doubting and keep being hungry in the WORD. BAM! I wept in joy. There it was. I had waited my whole life for this moment. That blessed assurance that I was His. After this, you would not have known who I was. My facebook statuses became different. Little white lies were now a big deal to me. Honesty even if it was over $1 was a big deal. Church was a big deal. I was hungry. I was on fire.
Next, came our first big trial after coming back to Christ. I was just as sick with this pregnancy as I was with the first. I threw up almost every day and it never really went away even as the 2nd trimester came. We were going for our normal 18 week check up and this is when our world came crashing down before our very eyes. My doctor had the doppler (which I have always dreaded because it seems to take forever) and he could not find a heartbeat. It had been 5 minutes and I instantly knew something was wrong. I looked at my husband and gave him a look and instantly in my head kept repeating, “please God, please God, please God, not my baby.” My husband jumped up and grabbed my hand. My doctor did not look concerned yet and hooked up the ultrasound machine. There was our sweet angel on the screen but the baby was lifeless. He just said I am so sorry over and over.
I went into an instant daze. I felt not of this world, I was shocked, I was confused, I was so mad, and I could not believe it. God, why did you take my baby? What did I do wrong? I remember sitting there with my doctor holding one hand and my husband holding the other and I just didn’t believe it. They said they were going to put me on the 3D machine just to make sure and I kept thinking, God make this a miracle. Please God, I know nothing is impossible. I refused to believe it. After seeing the FLAT line beep across the screen where my little girl’s heartbeat should of been, I felt my life being pulled right from under me. Why? How? What? This exact scene still plays in my head today over and over.
Less than 10 hours later we were being checked into the hospital to deliver our baby who was already called home to God. My family is so supportive and my husband is truly a gift from God. Those 10 hours leading up to being checked in the hospital were long and awful. I sat in stunned silence all day. I was given Prostaglandin then Pitocin to start contractions. I had a high fever and a lot of pain. But none of it mattered because I was so wrapped up in my baby. The labor and delivery is all a blur. I only pushed a couple of times and my angel was born. After a few minutes my doctor said that she looked like her cord got tangled and pinched off blood supply. I should be taking my baby home with me and here I was preparing to call a funeral home. It was not fair! I kept thinking of all the women I knew who had healthy pregnancies and did not even want to be pregnant. I thought of all the people who I did not think deserved their babies. Facebook was like the worst possible thing for the first few weeks. Everyone seemed to be pregnant and talking about it and I just wanted them to all be quiet.
Her autopsy report said, “unknown cause of death.” We can’t be for sure but my doctor thinks her umbilical cord twisted and pinched off her blood supply. All of the bloodwork on both Mackenzy and I came back fine. I will never know why God chose my angel too beautiful for earth but I have peace. I have that peace that surpasses all understanding.
I read a book by John MacArthur that rocked me to my core. He said that scripture weighs heavily toward the fact that innocent children are in heaven, redeemed, and dwelling in the presence of God. Mackenzy will never experience any pain on this earth, she is face to face with our Savior right now. That is an overwhelming thought and I can’t even grasp half of that truth. Of course, I selfishly want her here with me. I will always wonder how she would have grown up. John MacArthur also said, to let your comfort begin with the truth that every child conceived is a God-created and God-loved person with a God-given purpose and destiny. God created your child. God loved your child and continues to love your child. God’s purpose and destiny for your child are fulfilled perfectly, even if the child dies. The reality of that is beyond anything you can know this side of heaven. Although this is a painful truth to sink in to our hearts, our angels are in the best possible place because they are home! This brought me back to the realization how desperately I needed Jesus. He is everything. Now I can minister to others who have gone through child loss. It is a hurt that is unexplainable. It leaves a void that only Jesus can heal. You will never be the same. 2 Corinthians tells us he comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble, we can comfort them. I know this hurt and I hope to ease the hurt of others by being His hands and feet.
The next big trial came with my third daughter. Emilee is our almost 3 year old blessing and mess. She was a very rough pregnancy and was born with a heart defect called pulmonary sling. It was a very trying time in our life BUT did you know our God heals. Now her heart structures are still in the wrong place but it is not causing any problems. Say what? Yes, Jesus heals and she is wonderful. Well, a wonderful disaster area:-) Not everything turns out like this. It does not always turn out how we hope for it to. I definitely did not hope for Mackenzy to be stillborn but I pray for my Father’s will. Not mine! Romans 8:28 tells us that we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him. It is all for His good. Amen.
Right now I am so hungry for God’s Word. I am not perfect and I am in desperate need of my Savior. This world is broken and the reason I will never feel at home here is because I won’t be home until I am face to face with Jesus Christ. Only God brought me through. I daily must take my thoughts captive. I struggle with worry and anxiety quite frequently but I am His. I have hope in Jesus. I have abounding hope in my Lord and Savior. I wanted to be in control of my family’s fate. I wanted to make sure they are safe and I must stay strong in Jesus to fight these thoughts and control issues. My life verse right now is 1 Tim 6:15, God is the blessed controller of all things, the King of all Kings, and the Master of all Masters. I don’t want rest and comfort in this world because it would be false rest.
See my story is different because I have not had a bad or troubled life. I am blessed. I have a wonderful Godly husband and 3 daughters. I have parents, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who care about each other and love each other. This is all a gift from God. But it is just that, a gift. It is not mine. It is His. It is all His. I seek, desire, and long to be even more crazy in love with my Father. My love story is not one specific moment in time but a collection of God moments that take my breath away.